Looking Back on 2008

2008 has been one of the most tiring years of my life. The packed training schedules in the first half of the year had drained me of my energy to the point that I lost the heart of service in my previous church where I was serving in the soundlight ministry. I was quite tired of serving in the ministry because it was taking too much of my time. It was also during this time that I lost sight of God, and everything just seemed to come tumbling down. My overly sensitive feelings consumed me once again and I became very emotional.

Then came the miracle that made me decide to join FCBC. Looking back, I thank God that He was still there for me even when I chose to forsake Him. Joining FCBC was a huge turning point in my life. I saw hope in this messy life. By God’s grace, even though I continued to sin against Him, even though I continued to dwell in my emotional-depressed state, and even during those times when I really felt like ending my life, God refused to let me go. He even allowed me to understand more of Him, to experience Him in a way that I’ve never experienced before.

Lately, I began to ignore God. There were times that I would ask Chris to stop mentioning God when he tries to help me. Even during the my Hope week, I continued to put God aside, out of my life. I even told Chris that I didn’t want to testify because my life was screwed up, that I’ve broke God’s heart so many times; I felt that God wasn’t going to use my testimony anyway because of what I had done. Nonetheless, I prepared the testimony but my heart wasn’t fully right with God. It was only during that evening that I came before God and asked for His grace and mercy over my life. That very night, I saw God’s greatness in my life as I testify and realized that the many times I took the wrong step, He was there to ensure that I get back on the right step.

2008 can be summed up using this chorus:

“If I could count the stars in the sky
Could it compare to how many times
I broke Your heart
But still here You are with open arms”

When I first thought about my life in 2008, I thought that I was just going to say how bad things were. But through everything that happened last year, every single thing that I’ve said and done to hurt God and the people around me, through all these, you know what I saw? I saw God in my life. In fact, 2008 wasn’t about how screw up I was, but rather, it was about how amazing our God is, that everything that happened last year is a testimony to God’s grace, mercy and love. He is never a God who will give up hope on His children, like some fathers do; He is always the God who loves unconditionally, running faster than anyone towards us when we turn back to Him.

On the very last day of 2008, I made up my mind.

“Redemption, knocking on my doorstep
I lay me down
I don’t wanna turn from You no more
I’ve had enough of what this world’s to offer
So take me back
To the place where I belong”