My Life: A Godless Beginning Part 2

Life during my secondary school years wasn’t any better. In fact, it was in a bigger mess than before. Lying to my parents, going home late, and suicidal thoughts became part and parcel of my life. I dreaded home. It was a place filled with loneliness, hatred, and darkness. I would lock myself in my own room, staring into blank spaces. The immense emptiness in my heart drove me to a point of desperation. I could not stand that feeling anymore. I wanted to end my life. I cried and cried and cried…

School became my home, and friends, my family. I looked forward to going to school because I believe that my friends understand me best. I was quite wrong. Despite the many enjoyable moments, I often felt the emptiness in my heart. I was frustrated. Soon enough, I realized that no one will ever understand me, and gradually, I refused to talk to others about my life. My life became a mystery to many, and to myself. No one knew the pain I was going through. People saw the ‘lots of fun’ I went through during those days, but none saw the internal struggle within me.

When I was in Secondary 2, I had a major fallout with my elder brother. That day not only broke my heart into pieces, it also completely destroyed the already fragile ‘FAMILY’ in my heart. A cold war began from that day and it continued for weeks, months, and years. It gave me more reasons to hate home, and to hate my presence on this earth…

Next: My Life: God vs Parents

My Life: A Godless Beginning Part 1

Since young, I have been taught to worship the idols. As a young boy, I was made to believe that these idols were gods, that different idols were for different circumstances, and that they had different power status – if the idol didn’t work for you, worship a stronger one. It was a pretty confusing concept. I feared those idols because they looked ugly, fierce and eerie at night. This made me to worship them obediently for fear that something would happen to me.

The result of worshipping these idols was very negative. I grew up to be a superstitious and timid boy, fearing of being alone and darkness It came to a point that I was afraid of even bathing alone.

At the age of 8, I realized that death was inevitable. My whole world sank. I couldn’t believe that I was born just to die in the end. I found life so meaningless. I was angry and sad, and I cried whenever I thought of this. I kept asking myself, “What happens after I die? Am I going to be buried forever, sleeping in the confined space of a coffin while the world continues to live on?” I was devastated.

Gradually, I grew up to be a defiant kid. At the age of 7, I bullied my handicapped buddy. I would deliberately inflict pain on his body and I felt good about it. The bullying last for 2 years after which, he was transferred to another school. At the age of 8, I was partly involved in a fight in school which resulted in a student being hospitalized. I knew I was mixing with bad company, but I thought it was cool. When I was 10 years old, I began to copy my friend’s homework and one year later, I started stealing money from my parents. When my parents found out about the stealing months later, they threatened to send me to a boy’s home. I hated them. I abhorred my life and I believed that life was so unfair to me.

My relationship with my parents was totally ruined. I no longer trusted them and I drifted further and further away from them. I had enough of them, enough of their frequent canings, enough of their lectures and scoldings. I wished that I could run away from home. I felt that they did not understand me anymore. There was no love at all. Everything seemed so pointless and meaningless. I was lost, very lost…

Next: My Life: A Godless Beginning Part 2